Desiree

Hello You Fabulous Creature!

It's been a while since we have had a heart to heart and I figured there no time like the present. It's been since you were but a young chicky of 17, and you were on the top of the world since we have last spoken so candidly. You were staring as the lead in a very small cast picked from a very large group of talented people. At that point you had finally worked through all of the issues of almost losing your father to his liver disease, and coming out of the stress and anxiety attacks you had about school. You were bright and budding, not yet aware of how hard it would be to get to the top of the ladder without compromising yourself in a judgmental world. It's like the White Stripes say "When you’re in the bigger room you might not know what to do you might have to think how you got started sitting in your little room." Somehow you need to find the volume on your confidence amplifier so you can fill the big room like you did the little room. I know the last few years have tarnished your shine a little bit but it is certainly still there.

Even though you’re not as far along on your life path as you thought you would be at this point it doesn't mean you’re losing the whole game. I know that by this time you saw yourself with the love of your life planning to marry him on 11/11/11, because you have been wishing for him at 11:11 since you were a little girl. You would be working as an artist either as a fashion photographer, or on a stage as singer or actress, finding ways to bring beautiful things into a gloomy world. Well you’re not living the glamorous life you thought you would. Sometimes instead of getting the things you want you get the things you need. You still manage to bring beauty into the world every day so you haven’t completely missed your mark. I think you’re on the cusp of something great you just need to be patient and remember at 24 your still young and have a strong head and can do this. Whatever "this" might end up being, it might be more behind the scenes than you had anticipated. I know that you have no idea what to do with your vision and talents because in order to make a living out of what you love it's not as easy as going to a university. You have to get the degree you seek comes from the school of life with a major in drive and a minor in talent and luck. I think the past 4 years have showed you that a conventional 9 to 5 of any sort is not going to get your rocks off. It’s also showed you that you can do anything you set your mind to because you have taught yourself how to draw, sew, and paint all on your own in the last 6 years. The only way for you to truly flourish is to find a way to create beauty all day, so it's time for you to stop being afraid to put yourself out there because you have the vision you just need to fine tune your focus and put it out there. Don't listen to those who tell you it only has to be a hobby. You haven't been afraid of the path of least resistance if you remember how frighten you have been in the past? You proceeded however and then you usually tap dance through it sleighing dragons along the way.

It's time to address that other large elephant that has it's foot firmly planted on your chest and presses on you more and more each time you see a couple happily in love. I can see that seems to press on you like boulders every time this holiday rolls around. Just because you are the only one in your family who wasn't a parent by the time you turned 21 doesn't mean you won’t ever have children. I know it scares the crap out of you when you think about the fact that your 24 and have never had a long term relationship, but that doesn't mean you will be alone forever. I know that sometimes you feel like if you were a size 4 you would be hitched and living a life of domestic and romantic bliss, because you are beautiful after all. I know sometimes you feel like guys would rather walk hand in hand with a leper than a big girl, but I assure you someday some lucky man is going to look at everything else you bring to the table and realize that there’s just more to love because you are the total package. I feel like sometime people are afraid to approach you because you are so confident but also because they can sense the electrical force field you have put around your heart. So while it radiates this warm beautiful light to everyone it meets, no one can touch it because you are so afraid of it being broken. That’s why until you can figure out how to share it I will gladly be the one to love you every morning you wake up. Remember you have to sink to swim. Even though it feels like you’re going to have to dangle your heart like a flab of meet tied to stick being offered to a pack of lions from a tree, the risk is the only way to find happiness.

I am going to leave you with a quote that you have shared on many occasions with your fellow dancers, actors, singers, and artists about their talents. The more and more I think about this quote however it's a good one for everyone to keep in their back pockets of how to think of themselves when they are being their harshest critic in any area of their life:

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

- Martha Graham


Well kid that's it for the pep talk, it's time that your insides match the confident mask you wear on the outside. Remember always keep yours self living on your own personal edge, and on your toes, any other way is just tragic or boring. Age, and sizes are just numbers they do not define you live the life you want!

Kisses and Kittens,
Desiree

P.S. Illegitimi non carborundum (Don't let the bastards grind you down)