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Friday, February 25, 2011

Rachel C

Rachel -

First, my apologies for putting off this letter for longer than I should have. You deserve to hear the things I've wanted to say for years but never had the courage to accept and say out loud. I know now that everything I am about to say is absolute truth. It's hard to put pen to page and express things in a manner that is honest and exposed, but I will do the best I can.

It goes without saying that in the past 5 years you have gone through hell and back. You're world has flipped upside down and everything you ever imagined for your life has been taken away... repeatedly. I understand now that your struggles with infertility have left you raw and vulnerable...and right about every 28 days you receive a cruel reminder of the fact that you may never know the joy of holding your first born in your arms. You may never experience the wonder of creation and feel the flutter of your growing child in your womb. I understand that every time somebody else is blessed with the ability to share in the challenge of parenthood, a piece of you dies. You have experienced the hope of infertility treatments only to have your heart broken and your relationship with your husband fall apart because it was too much for you to go through and still find optimism and happiness in your life. I know you morn for the life that could have been, hate yourself for being broken, doubt your husband could love somebody so flawed, made deals with a god you are now unsure exists (how could any "god" allow anybody to go through this), feel resentment for those that are blessed with the gift of becoming a mother, and experience guilt because you secretly wished it was you instead. Life is not fair, or easy...

For that I am sorry...and I know that no matter what I say, it will never take away the pain in your heart or fill the void in your soul. But there is light at the end.

You are, and always have been, entitled to have every single one of those feelings and any other feeling that may have spread across your heart and into your mind and soul. You have, and continue, to experience things most people take for granted. The miracle of life is just that, a miracle. But so is your ability to move forward. In the past year I have seen you emerge from a fog of depression with a blinding light surrounding you. It is a sight to see! You have proven yourself to be AMAZINGLY strong, come to terms with your depression, and worked on finding happiness in life...and you've found it. You have come up with a plan. You are taking care of your body, mind, and your heart. You are being honest with yourself for once in your life. Not only that, but you worked through an unbelievable hardship with your husband...proved to yourself and to him that no matter what, you are in this for the long haul. You are persistent, never giving up on yourself, on him, or your dreams...despite being handed every reason to throw in the towel.

Whether you see it or not, your life and experiences...ALL of them...have molded you into a strong, beautiful women capable of handling the most heart wrenching challenges life can pass you with beauty and love in your heart. And when the time comes for you to embrace your child or walk forward in a life spent entirely with the man you love, you will do so with optimism and excitement for what life has in store for you.

You are AMAZING...an INSPIRATION. Know that, embrace it.



Anonymous said...

Rachel, I understand those feelings about resentment and anger and jealousy and feeling broken and the heavy sadness of not being able to conceive. I was told I would never be able to carry a child, and if I ever by some impossible miracle DID get pregnant, my uterus would rupture and the child and I would both most likely die.

I have a daughter now.
She just turned 1.
We're both healthy and happy.

All I'm saying is MIRACLES HAPPEN. I am not saying this will be your story. But I just want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel, AND that this is not the end of your story. Who knows where it will lead? But I promise you that it will be filled with miracles and beauty, however that looks for you. That is a guarantee, and I am proof.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your words...

Anonymous said...

Rachel, Thank you for sharing your story. It doesn't seem like others can feel your pain when going through something like this, but they do. You're words are such a help!s

Iman Woods Creative said...

You are amazing. And an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing. Can't wait to meet you in person!

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