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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Lauren K

My lovely Lauren,

For better or for worse I am with you. I was there with you when no one else was, and even though there were times in which you rejected me I hugged you even harder. I love you Lauren. You are one of the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful, generous, and unique girls I have had the pleasure of knowing. I have one hope for you; it is that you remember this moment, this one right now. I know that this very second you believe that what I just said, but I know also that you haven't in the past. This life of yours hasn't been as easy as you might have hoped it would be, but ultimately you haven't allowed the little things or the big things stop you from becoming this wonderful woman that I have known for the past 27 years.

I remember you when you were at your worst. You were like a superhero that turned to the dark side; you used your power of medical knowledge against yourself. You grabbed those medications and took just enough to feel your breath slow down, your eyes glazed over as you stared at the ceiling. Lying on your bed, your thoughts of death brought a comfortable discomfort to you. I know you didn't want to die. I whispered to you that this was not to be the end. As much as you wanted to disregard that little voice of mine, you didn't. You cried for help, and help is what you received. You have always been strong. You didn't let go. Spending those few days in the hospital woke you up. Your eyes were opened to new possibilities. You received a call on the third day that you were accepted to nursing school.

A few months later, you learned that nursing school was to be delayed a year because of a missing course. You looked at the brighter side to life, and realized that there was an amazing person in your life that you wanted to get to know better. Things were going to be okay. On February 19, roughly 3 months after you learned about the nursing school delay, you began to have conscious, seizure like activity. You were rushed to the hospital. The seizure like activity continued after your release. After countless more doctor and ER visits you had racked up a large medical bill, had excused yourself from your job as an EMT at a local ambulance service, and had been diagnosed with PTSD that caused uncontrolled muscle movements at random. This is how your brain and body dealt with the past. Your devastation and frustration broke my heart. I knew your past and how far you had come from it. You thought you had started a new life away from HIM. And though you had, you needed to confront some issues head on in order to start living, actually living and not just walking through the motions of life.

You had to learn, the hard way, that his abuse was not your fault. You never once deserved to be hit in the face, thrown out of bed, talked down to with such fury and anger, suffocated, and raped. It was two years of terror with one of those years being completely isolated from your friends. I held your hand through it all. I was in that shower with you as you slumped to the floor and cried. I was in that classroom that kept you distracted from your life at “home”. I was in that ambulance with you as you laughed with your working partner. I was with you when you came “home” to work only to be yelled at and criticized that you didn’t do a mundane chore correctly. I was there when you finally had the courage to leave. In all the time I have known you I have never known you to be a statistic, to be like the majority. This is one of the things I most certainly love about you. Your courage, determinacy, and independence saved you. I knew these traits were going to come to play in your future again, and when the PTSD showed its ugly head you took it straight on.

You did not feel sorry for yourself. The new person that you had just met, who was going to be your fiancĂ©, was there by your side. Your new look on life was a vibrant one. You used the advice from a psychiatrist on how to handle this new situation, and gradually you began to control your uncontrollable muscle movements. You began nursing school, but because you had not been able to control these muscle movements completely you were asked to leave the program after a semester and a half. You were disappointed, but knew that things would be okay as long as you kept your head held high and let nothing come in the way of your personal success. Nothing would ever hold you down again from fulfilling your dreams. Have I told you that I think you are amazing?! You are AMAZING! Not everyone can do what you have done. I couldn’t be more proud of you! You immediately enrolled in a pharmacy technician certification program the following semester, graduated, and are currently working in a prestigious hospital. I know you haven’t forgotten your dream of becoming a nurse, and I know in my heart that you will become one. Your determination and motivation has not let you down.

The road ahead of you, my dearest, will not be easy. No road of life is ever made smooth, but with your new found confidence, determination, self acceptance, and humor you will make it to the end. I will be with you through the next many years just as I was with you in the past. I love you Lauren.

With all my love and confidence,



Teresa said...

Dear Lauren, I can relate. I cried from about the second paragraph to the end. You are AMAZING!

Iman Woods Creative said...

Beautiful. This made me realize how much I take my son and the ease of getting pregnant for granted. I hope that post partum depression is more to blame than just my own selfishness.

So I can't speak to infertility... But I can speak to the women that have helped 'raise' me who weren't my mother. And I love them fiercly.

Sue said...

Tears in my eyes..beautiful.

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