Laurel P

Dear Laurel,

You are loved. Even when you don’t see it, even if you don’t hear it, please look within yourself to feel it, because I promise you, love surrounds your entire being. You have worked so hard through so many difficult things and still somehow along the way you have surrounded yourself with genuine people who truly care for you. You did that. You dive in head first to every relationship 150% without fail, and I love you for that. You are honest, intense, funny, strong, empathetic, true, and passionate.


You are loved.


The dream of the person you will become someday inches closer with every passing moment and I see the look in your eyes with pure excitement of the unknown to come. You have pushed yourself harder in the past eight months than you have ever been pushed before and you did that, no one else. You have kept yourself accountable and look what you have done. You have transformed yourself inside and out and you continue to make great strides in your personal growth every single day.


You amaze me.


Your courage to continue on with the intensity in which you live life is a wonder in itself and you give me hope. I am going to say that one more time to make sure you heard me.


You give me hope.


You give me hope in what people are capable of in their darkest hour. You give me hope in what mankind can achieve. You give me hope in the idea that things will get better. You give me hope for love, hope for life, hope for yesterday, hope for today, and hope for tomorrow.


What I want you to remember, what I need for you to remember, is what I have written to you today, because it is all so easy to forget when trouble rears its ugly head. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and it’s about time you start. You are going to change lives for the better. You are going to help people. You are going to take this world on by storm. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my strength, my light, my soul, and my eternity. You are me, and for that I love you even more.


Always,

Laurel

Petra P

Dear Me,

You’ve been doing a good job for ten years being a mother to two motherless boys. You are a lovely person to do that. No one asked or continues to ask you to do this at your age ( 61 now), but as there are no other candidates, what’s a grandmother to do? No one says, Petra, this isn’t easy (and it sure isn’t ) but look how well they’re turning out! Well, I’m telling you, they are awesome most of the time and it’s all because of You. You care about their schools, their teachers, their friends, their homework, their clothes, their food, their vitamins, their orthodontist, what to do when the school is out (again), their happiness, their sadness, their safety.

You could be devoting more to yourself, like looking for another job, or trips to the gym (heaven knows, you need it, girl!) And you could really use a new hair style (so 70s) even though you take them for their Bieber “trims”. You could be, should be, spending evenings with your own friends, your mother, or taking a cruise to Cabo, but instead you know how important it is to help the kids with their science projects and math. You organize boy poker parties, magic shows and birthday surprises for them. Lucky dudes, they have no idea. You’re the one who makes sure they eat vegetables and fruit. You’re just Marvelous to do that! They have no idea how much food costs, so I’m happy to see them eat everything you put in front of them… except the dreaded mushrooms. You could be savoring mushrooms in France, ma cher amie. You could be getting a French manicure twice a month, but it doesn’t matter because your nails would look like an old fence, picking up all the toys and washing all these dishes. You take them to music lessons when you could be reading the New York Times at the coffee shop. But the news is getting too hard to hear, so that’s okay, and besides, you are too tired sometimes to lift the New York Times. No??

You took care of them when they were little and when they had the flu and when they go to the emergency room from dislocated elbows and broken arms. The ER people tolerate you and know your name. So does the pediatrician. You are almost Popular, Petra… in certain circles. () You picked up their bikes and yours and shoved them all into and on top of your small car and had a backache for a week. You found time to go on field trips for social studies when the real mothers were too busy. You went skiing with the boys (oh, now there’s a story for the future great-grandkids, if you live that long, sweetie). And you’re building a “freaking” (their word) 3-stage rocket -- from a kit -- for them to launch and you had to buy more replacement parts that you messed up with the glue gun. Remember the full-moon lake hike you went on (into the dark with flashlights) to explore the wilderness but you forgot the food? That’s okay because they were just happy you were there, and besides, you found wild blueberries to sample. You are braver than Brave. You are stronger than Strong. You are grander than Grand, grand-mother.

And there were so many night-time stories you read, after the soapy baths, lying between them in the cozy bed you made for them and the stuffed bears. Hugs and goodnight kisses. They gave them back too, when they were little, didn’t they? But now, you have to live on memories of those bedtimes. Really, that’s okay, too, because they’re sweet memories.

You’re Lucky, Petra.

Reyna C

Dear Reyna,

You need to learn how to put everything in God's hands! And most of the time you are good at it. But birthdays, and holidays, and the day they went to heaven you just can't help your emotions! YOu need to become stronger and learn to keep your emotions to yourself until you get home! Everything is so fresh in your mind right now, even though 3 years have went by, but that's because it's the anniversary of their deaths!

March 8th 2008, the worst day of your life. You hate yourself for wanting to pull over. Would they still be here if you didn't? Would that drunk still have ran into you anyways because he was following your tail lights? So many questions, so many what ifs! You need to quit questioning yourself and put it all in Gods Hands. And believe that he knows what he's doing!

At times even just a smell or a song brings back vivid memories of your children, you refuse to ever quit thinking of them. YOU feel guilty for being alive, You don't even want to be alive but know you are stuck here until God chooses to bring you home! You wonder why, why were you left here to suffer! There is no other pain worse than losing your kids!!! Nothing, You always have questions and no answers.

You think you are being judged by others, when in reality you are judging yourself. You feel bad for asking your husband to pull over and let you drive! As soon as he does and steps out the car, the last thing you remember before the crash is looking into your daughters face while she was smiling at you, and hearing your sons laugh behind you!

At that moment, Bam, drunk driver slams into the back of your car killing your 13 year old daughter and your 14 year old son instantly, severing their 3rd vertabrae! And why, because you pulled over... NO, because he was Drunk!

In one second your whole life changed for the worst! Just seeing your childrens lifeless bodies in the backseat was too much for you to handle! Too much for your husband to handle that he goes to the man's vehicle and beats him to death!

Hardest thing you had to do ever, and will ever have to do is bury your children. How can this possibly be happening! Your kids are only in Jr High! They got taken to young! All you can do is cry and cry! All you want is your babies back. They still had so much life to live! It's not fair, it's not fair! You don't want to do anything, you don't want to eat, laugh, talk! You just dont want to live. It's been three years and you still don't want to live!

10 months later, your husband gets taken to prison for killing the man who killed your kids!
That just adds to the angry, jealous, person you are becoming. Life as you once knew it is gone, you need to learn how to live again. You have to move from the place you lived with your children cause you can no longer afford it with one income, or I should say, unemployment because you got laid off. The little amount of money you received from the accident went to lawyers, A beautiful headstone because your children deserve nothing less!

March 8th 2011 was three years since your bebes have been gone! Your husband gets out May 7th 2011 and you don't know how to feel about that! You want him home, you Love him! But you know that you are still on a journey, you both need to learn how to live with one another again!
You need to learn how to love youself again but feel like it's impossible. When you look in the mirror you see a heartbroken woman! You feel old, you feel like you have aged 10 years in the last 3. you know it's from all the crying and missing your babies!

You Reyna, Need to learn and trust in God, That is the only way you are going to make it here in this world, while you are stuck here, you might as well represent your kids to the fullest! You can stop writing now, cause with everything you have to say you could write a book.

Love yourself,

from Me

And as always, I Love and miss you Angel and Damien with all my heart! Life is so hard to live without you! I can't believe I have even lived 3 years without you! I hate it. Tell God to hurry up and have me do what he wants me to for I can be by your sides again, I just want to hug you, and kiss you. talk and walk with you. I want YOU Back!!!

Dorthy S

To my beloved daughter,

Child of mine, you do not belong to me, you belong to yourself. Just as you have trusted me to guide you, to lead you through troubled moments, to protect you when I could, now you must trust yourself. There will be times when you will want my support, times when you will need to share your fears with me, and times our tears will mingle though we cry for different reasons. At times, perhaps, we will communicate without speaking; sharing a special understanding with a look, a wink, a nod, or a smile that locks the world outside the two of us.

But child of mine, you belong to yourself. Let no one own you, no one stop your dreams, no one shut you off from yourself. Never let pain substitute for joy, failure overwhelm success, or allow curiosity to be replaced with knowing or believing you have nothing left to learn. We learn from our mistakes, but never let them rule your life. Learn from the past, because it belonged to you, just as today is yours, and tomorrow is but a breath away. I have not lived my life for you, do not live your life for me or others..

Own your own disappointments and guard jealously the secrets you tell to no one: they are yours to keep under lock and key, let no one use them against you---they are as much a part of you as you are a part of me. Life will deal harsh blows and treat you most unfairly at times, and you must choose to be your own protector. Remember your strength, for it is your best defense.

I cannot promise you forever. I will not always be there for you, but child of mine, you belong to yourself. Remember this, for it is your right and the heritage I leave with you. I make no promise that love will bring you happiness because love can be painful. Any risk you take has consequences, both gain and loss, and I caution you only not to risk all that you are for anyone.

You owe no explanation for the choices you make, and I owe no apology for who I am or whatever decisions I make regarding my own life. If I have shielded you from harsh realities, I knew would cause you pain, forgive me. Try to remember that I sheltered and cared for you until such time as you were free to try your wings. If I had expectations of you or for you that seemed unfair, if I challenged you beyond your capabilities, it was because I love you and dreamed bigger dreams for you than I had for myself.

And in all this, I choose to take away whatever pain I've caused you and replace it with all the love you have known from me, and all the joy you have given me these many years. I have one last thought to share with you before I go to sleep this night: You've grown up well, my child, and I am proud of you. You are no longer the child of my dreams for you have dreams of your own, but I
will always keep a special place in my heart, a space that is yours alone.

Child of mine, I have loved you well and known much joy in loving you and in your loving me.

With much love,

mother

Gayle M

March 10, 2011

Dearest Gayle,

The past few months and the couple years before this have been a challenge. You have put a lot of consideration into your decisions and examined your reactions to every very difficult situation the likes of which you have never had to deal with at any other time in your life. Just the incident of your cousin’s death would take pages to write about and how you managed to listen with a prayerful heart to doctors, nurses and your own personal feeling regarding removing his life support system. All the while you were dealing with your mother’s deteriorating health and mental state. The shock of her turning on you while you were in the midst of burying your cousin was difficult not to take as a personal slap-in-the-face and abandonment.

You got out books to read about aging and dementia, you continued to write in your journal, your computer files that read: This Is Insane and My Thoughts Regarding. Each time reaching outside of yourself from the deepest part of yourself was your lifesaver and helped you in every circumstance. In every area of your life you studied other people’s reactions and tried to remember to breathe and observe without getting upset and lashing out. Long walks, warm baths and shampooing your hair were as important as a long vacation away from it all.

Through all of this I knew you had the resources and self-awareness necessary to work this out for yourself and if ever you felt like you could not handle it, you would go to someone for deeper understanding on how best to cope.

You are so much brighter, stronger and more lovable than you imagine and don’t ever doubt yourself, you are a survivor and whatever you come up against, you will be able to work your way, if not through it, you will work with it.

I admire you and I love you. You are my mother, sister, daughter, my hope and my love.

Always and ever,

ME

Jess M

Dear Jess,

Well, pumpkin, it’s been a frustrating couple of years.

Four and a half years ago, when you said “I do” to the man of your dreams, you felt that nothing could go wrong and all possibility lay ahead.

Then it started. The thing you call the gnomes. First the leg pain began and started spreading, like a slow moving river, to your pelvis and then your other leg.

Then, a year or two later, because of the constant pain, your body developed muscle spasms and tremors. Now you are trading in your car for an automatic because your leg is too weak to always work a stick shift. And, damn it, you have always loved the fact you could drive a stick shift. It felt powerful and sexy. But now you’re 32 going on 85, and the future looks beyond bleak and depressing.

You sit and hope, every time you go to one new doctor, that he or she will provide a glimmer of something beyond this life of constant pain killers, fatigue and memory loss. Every new doctor you’ve seen has caused the light to dim so slightly. Every time their arrogance and lack of empathy has struck you to the core and made you question your own sanity. You have tattooed your whole back – hoping to take control and make a choice to have pain. To have that catharsis for even an hour or two.

You constantly worry about your husband deciding to leave you for someone who can live – who can run around with energy and fire. Someone who can have children - something you never may be able to do.

But you must remember that very few people would have handled this situation with your humor and your positive attitude. Other people would grow weepy at the knowledge that he or she might fall asleep in their filet mignon at any time; you call it getting “steak facey” and laugh. You pretend to be Quasimodo when your leg is weak and wander around asking for sanctuary and continue to believe that the right shoes or scarf will make the pain even marginally better.

Sure, you get tired and whiny, but you are persevering. And you’ve refused to give up. Every time a doctor shoots you down and condemns you to live a life that is not really living, you turn to the next possibility.

You’ve learned to stand up for yourself and to give up on people who are hurtful to be around because you now understand the need to protect yourself. Something you never knew how to do before your body needed you to be its shield.

And you will someday accept that your husband, Ryan, loves you dearly - because you make silly jokes and are stubborn and tenacious. BECAUSE you pretend to be a Parisian hunchback when things go bad. “You” haven’t changed just because your body has created limitations. You are still the woman he married, and he still calls you every day to tell you how much he loves you. Here’s a secret: he really does.

The other day a little girl you had never met came up to you and lay her head in your lap with complete trust and love – letting you stroke her hair. While others may have considered it odd, you felt it was a sign of things getting better. The universe telling you it will be okay.

That faith will get you through this and any other battles along the way. Knowing, deep inside, that this MUST end because it has no choice. You have a life you want to live and DAMN IT, it’s about time it got started!

Love,

Jess

Elena C

Dear Elena,

I honestly don't know how to start this letter to you, that is the truth. I don't know if i need to tell you all the things that I have wanted to tell you for the past 32 years or do I tell you the things that you might want to hear. I am not sure if the brutal truth is something that you are ready for. As, I wrote this I had tears in my eyes for the pain of knowing what you have been through. So, please remember to not shut me out and to listen for I fear if you don't then you might lose yourself forever.

Well,I am here to tell you even though the circumstances that you were born into were not like most others. You were wanted more than anything in the world I know this. For when I look at the precious angels that I have there is no doubt that you weren't loved. You were given a second chance at life with the one person who has been there to hold your hand throughout most of your life. Take pride in knowing that the sacrifice that your birth parents made was the right choice and no matter how hard you wish it to be another way at times you are better for there sacrifice of love and life for you.

You were given the best family on the world for you. They love so deeply and unconditionally it is scary to those around you. For others often wonder why and how a family can be so tight. Hold onto that love for it will get you through almost anything. I know that right now you are heartbroken over the loss of your mom, she was and is truly proud of you. Now hear me when I say this there is not a day that she didn't love you and not a day went by that she didn't tell others of all the things that you have accomplished. Yes, she is proud of you and only you can take credit for that. Without your papa, mom, and brothers you would not be who you are today.
Remember that every painful moment that was handed to you, well simply said makes you a stronger you. Your hubby is right when he said that he married his best friend for there is not a moment that his love is not shown for you(except maybe when you drive him batty) I know that you at times have doubted how and why you were so lucky to meet your other half that has always loved you for you. Now it is time for you to do the same...

I have never met anyone that is so willing to love those around you that at times it hurts to see the pain that it might cause when you see them hurt in anyway. It hurts to see you put yourself aside as if you don't mean anything. Elena, you are loved, you are worth it and you're AMAZINGLY strong! Do not ever give up on yourself for I have not.

All those painful moments of not being able to protect yourself from those that sought to hurt you and humiliate you. Those moments were your turning point... you decided then that no matter what in life was handed your way that you would never lose sight of who you are. DO you remember that promise you made yourself? I do I feel that I need to remind you so here it goes. You promised to always believe that you are a child of God, you are beautiful inside and out, your laughter or smile can light up a room full of 2 people or a room of hundreds, you are Forgiving no matter what , you love with no limits or expectations, you can always see the greener side even when there is no grass, you are funny, you make people want to be better. You are that person that people will remember for the fact is you are a good, honest, loving person.

So, ignore the love marks that your children have left on your body and know that you are beautiful even on those days that you feel that you aren't. Remember that you have 4 people that need you and love you more than you can comprehend. Yes, I sound as if you should be a bit conceited. We all should, for beauty really comes once you have become your own best friend.
Last but not least I love you and I stand amazed at the trials that you have overcome and not once have you failed at being you. So, keep up the fabulous job and remember that God doesn't make no junk! You are loved more than these words can ever truly make you realize. Chin up,shoulders back stand up straight and be Proud of who you have become.

I love you!(don't forget to tell yourself these words often)

Peace,

Elena